One Of THOSE Nights

Obviously, I've bought The Cab's new cd. I love it.
Happy New Year I guess. Twenty oh nine, as Sister P would say.
Nothing has happened. Everything has happened.
I don't know what to say anymore. When I do know, I don't know how to say it.
I don't think I'm going to blog anymore.
Maybe this is a lie, maybe I'll go back to that hellhole tomorrow, and something amazing will happen and I'll have to blog about it.
The odds of this happening aren't good.
If I do decide to blog again, I have no idea what it will be about.
Maybe I'll make it private, so only certain people can view it.
I'm indecisive. I don't know.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once things are said, you can't take them back.
You can try, and maybe things will work out.
But they were still said. They were still out there.
Words kill. They hurt.
Even ones that you don't think will.
Words are two-faced. They have double meanings.
It all depends on how they're said.
I hate that this whole thing has happened.
You know what thing.
And I hate myself for not knowing what to do about it.
Or what to say, and when to say it.
About not knowing how to feel.
But I wanted to say thankyou to everyone who apologized.
Everyone who tried to fix it.
Everyone who knew what to try to do.
Everyone who knew what to say, whether it helped the situation and was said publicly, or whether it made someone feel better and was said privately.
I'm sorry too. It's late, I know. But I wasn't sure how to address things.
And I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow at school.
I know that I've missed some people like CRAZY.
And I know I'm going to need a solid hug from someone.
Because that might help.
But part of me doesn't want that.
Part of me doesn't want to go in tomorrow and go down the hallway and hug everyone I've missed insanely for the past two weeks.
Part of me doesn't want to hug or see or be near anyone, like I would on a normal day.
Part of me wants to go in tomorrow and just stay locked in the bathroom stall all homeroom and hide and cry.
Honestly, that's what might end up happening. Because it is really hard to not cry without closing your eyes or blinking fast like a spaz.
Part of me is scared as hell to go there tomorrow and see everyone. Because all I can think of is "Where Do We Go From Here?" from that musical Buffy episode.
That's all I can think of for more people than you'd think.
Because I'm not sure I'll know what to say to anyone. I feel like I'll freeze. I'll be stuck.
I'm a fucking mess.
I need help taking everything away, to keep it off my mind, and usually being with some people from school would stop that.
But now, I'm not sure what I need.
Because I'm insecure as hell.
I can't sleep at night. Even if I do, I'm always tired. No matter what.
I hate feeling cut off from people.
I have all the lights possible on in my room right now. It seems dark without it.
I can't stand it at home, but I don't want to go anywhere else either.
I hate thinking about things.
I don't want to be around people, or I feel like I don't anyways.
But maybe when I actually am, I'll feel better.
I hate some people.
But I love others.
I don't know whats going to happen tomorrow.
I don't know how I'm going to keep everything in.
Like crying. I don't know how I'm going to appear happy.
I don't know if I'll come back here.
But I don't know if I can. I'm not sure how I feel about blogging anymore.
That thing kind of ruined it, it feels heavy now.
I'm trying so hard not to feel any of this, because that's how I deal.
I ignore things, I try not to feel them.
I act like I don't care, when on the inside I'm really falling apart.
But its coming in, all of it. I'm not holding it out well enough.
I'm a shitty friend.
I'm jealous.
I'm bitchy.
I'm worried.
I'm lost.
I'm insecure.
I'm scared.
I don't know what to do.

Please, Don't Mind What I'm Trying To Say Because I'm, I'm Being Honest

Emily & yoga today.

Emily makes me think and yoga give me too much time to think about too much.

She says I have to use “I statements” and so I was thinking about that in yoga.

And I came up with way to much, in no order.

But here’s what some of it was.

I’m a mess.

I’m totally scatterbrained.

I can’t remember things.

If something happens I’ll have to think about it for a long time before addressing it.

I’ll worry about it indefinitely.

I’ll think “what if…” a lot, and that makes me worry even more.

If something happens and it’s my fault, I’ll feel absolutely terrible about it.

If something happens that’s not really my fault, I’ll find a way to look at it so that it is.

That’s a bad habit, like biting my nails, but I keep doing it.

I know it’s bad, and that people might take advantage of it, but I trust people too much.

I only really, really trust about 5 or 6 people.

I’d only tell anything to about 3 of them.

I only trust one of them more than anything.

I cry far too much.

I don’t like crying in front of people, at all.

I have cried in front of people that I wouldn’t have chosen to cry in front of.

There are 2 people I’d cry in front of anytime.

Sometimes I cry over things that people think are stupid.

I cry when I watch Rent.

But I don’t think that’s a stupid reason, no matter what anyone else says.

I hold things in.

But I’ll be honest with almost anyone, as long as they me to be.

It’s not that I lie to people.

It’s just if I don’t feel like taking about something, or I can’t talk about it I’ll brush it off.

But if someone asks me to be honest, I will be.

I don’t know how to say things some of the time.

I won’t know how to put what I’m feeling into words.

And sometimes I can’t, and that makes me really frustrated.

Especially when it makes someone else think that I don’t want to tell them.

Then I just feel bad, because of course that’s not true.

Hugs always make me feel better.

Hugs are best if the person you’re hugging is about the same size as you.

As in height, and they can’t be too thin or too heavy.

I like hugging tall people though, second best.

I don’t like being alone anymore.

I used to, but I like being with people better now.

That makes me feel incredibly silly and insecure and dependent.

I hatehatehate feeling that way.

But I do.

So I can’t stand being alone.

I feel better if I’m with someone who makes me happy.

I love these people.

Someone who, when I’m with them, it seems like everything bad goes away.

The littlest and silliest things make me happy.

Pinkie Pie?

Waffles?

Mercy Spice and Christian Holiano?

Popsicles? Especially raspberry?

They seem really silly, and people laugh.

(And call me a second grader.) =]

But these things make me smile, like a clever verse from one of my favorite songs.

I live off music.

Songs help me get through anything bad that happens.

I can have one line from one song stuck in my head that will repeat over and over, or a whole song that I’ve heard so many times it’s memorized, but either way, having something stuck in my head makes me feel stronger.

CDs are amazing.

Performances can be either fabulous or terrible.

They don’t sound the same as CDs.

Hearing something live is the absolute best though, because you can feel the bass from the song, and it’s so loud.

It goes right through you.

It seems like too much at first, but it’s really incredible.

I’m not sure how to finish this off, really, because this all seems so…unlike me.

But I was being totally honest through out the whole thing.

So, please, don’t mind what I’m trying to say, because I’m, I’m being honest.

Cartel-Honestly

I Can't Even Think Of a Suitible Title For This.

Leave.
It.
Alone.
I'm sick of this.
Of all of it.
Of so many people.
Of all the stuff it's caused.
Of all the things people have said.
Of everything that's come of it.
And I don't understand some of it.
And it seems like no one gets that.
And some of it just makes me so upset.

CALIFORNIA?





of course not.

Things I Hate

I hate Science fair.
I hate science homework.
I hate science class.
I hate science. Period.
I hate people who are too tall.
I hate people who don't smile enough.
I hate people who wear stupid patterned sweaters all the time.
I hate people who are too ridiculously skinny.
I hate people who can't have one decent pair of cute shoes and always wear the same stupid boots every day.
I hate people who are miserable.
I hate people who ruin my day just by seeing them.
I hate people who need to just lighten up.
I hate people who are just mean.

Maybe just one person.
Oh well.
;]

Some Nights

some nights
when it's late
and i'm half asleep
music blasting through my headphones
something loud and angry or soft and sad
acoustic makes all the difference
i'm sad
i'm horrible
i'm confused
some nights
i wish a hundred times for everything to be okay
i wish a thousand times to fix everything, and for nothing to break again
i wish a million times not to loose you, because that would hurt too much
i wish too much, but sometimes wishing seems like the only way to make it work out alright
some nights
i think of differences
i think of fakes
i think of mistakes
i think of goodbyes
i think of you
i think of everything and more
some nights
i dream of leaving here
i dream of running away from this, from everything
i believe metro station when they say if you drive all night you can reach california by the morning
i echo phantom planet in whispering 'california, california, here we come'
i know leaving won't help anything, but i can't help but dream
some nights
i just cry
i cry for a long time, until it feels like there's nothing left
i cry until all that's there is me and the huge salty ocean, and it feels as if i've forgotten how to stay floating
so i sink
some nights
i dread tomorrow
it seems like i have nothing to look forward too
i want to open the window, jump out and runrunrun
i trust we the kings, because if i ran, i'd never look back
i'd still want to be back for morning
i'm never sure what makes me want to come back, never full sure
some nights
i miss the way things used to be, and the way things were before that too
i miss you looking at me and running over when i'd walk down the stairs as if it made your freaking day
i miss hugging you, because it felt safe there, far away from everything else
i miss you
i miss you so much, and i'll think of how much you taught me and gave me
some nights
my head hurts from all this
i'll have a stomach ache
my hands will shake
i won't be able to sleep
i toss and turn the whole time
then i'm dreadfully tired
some nights
i do sleep
i think i might dream, but i can never remember
it always seems as if i'm forgetting something when i get up
some nights
my iPod plays through all of this
i'll fall asleep listening to music
there's a song in my head that reminds me of most of these things
there's a song for everything, some nights

some nights, i feel terrible
most nights, i hate tomorrow
but all nights, iloveyou

307-59

i want to be there

whatever

this is what i meant the other day, sweetie.

i wouldn't.

and i know it's my fault.

but god.

[ily]

305-60

Scared

What's scary is when I realize I don't know if I can trust you.
When you get mad at me, and it makes me crazy.
When I'm not sure how to say things, even though I should.
It's scary when you're there and you're not at the same time.
When you have me second guessing myself.
When it feels like you don't care.
It's scary when it feels like you're the Vivienne to my Elle.
The James to my Bella.
The Benny to my Maureen.

What's really scary though, is when I say 'i love you' and you don't say it back.
I don't even want to describe that.

And I can't even begin to.

[ily]

302-63

What It Feels Like

It feels like when Edward left Bella and she couldn't breathe. When she found Jacob and he fixed her a little but not all the way. When Edward leaves without any warning. When Bella has that hole in her chest that couldn't be fixed by anyone. It feels like when Alice and Jasper left and everyone is just numb. When Jacob sees Bella right before she has Nessie and he's nervous and sad because he's losing Bella. When Carlisle turns Edward into a vampire out of selfishness. When Royce leaves Rosalie and she never thought he was like that. It feels like when Jacob feels like Embry left him for Sam, and then when Quil feels left out because Jacob and Embry left.

It feels like all of that and more, and you don't even know what that feels like.

ily.

I Don't Know Anymore

So here are some good songs. I guess. I don't know. They're by Paramore [the first one, Let This Go], and Friday Night Boys, [the second one, You Do, You Don't].
And they're both SUCH good songs. And maybe just maybe they're trying to say something.

^Paramore

^Friday Night Boys

I love you all so much.
&+ I just wanted to say that because apparently you don't know.

i'm

i'm numbing myself for when
something really bad happens
because if i'm numb it won't hurt as bad
i'm frustrated because i think
that i think too much too much into this
i'm trying to love you as much as possible
hoping that nothing like that ever happens again
i would absolutely die
i'm breaking down everything that happens
trying to remember it if it's good
and trying to let go of it if it's not
i'm wondering why
it's hard to get along
when it happened so easily before
i'm confused to how these things
can end so fast
and how one sided they can be
i'm wondering what happened
and why things are so difficult
i'm wondering why 8 hours of sleep
really makes a difference to how things go
because sometimes it's fine
but one little thing changes it
i'm trying to make this work
if one word is just not good enough
then how about four?
i love you guys

Trust Me

People trust too easily.
It's true.
You never know if the person you're trusting is trustworthy or not, but you trust them anyway.
And sometimes you just can't.
[Don't get me wrong, sometimes you can.]
Maybe I'm realizing this too late?
At least I know now.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry I lied.
I'm sorry I cheated.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you the truth.
You say I didn't care. But I did.
I'm sorry.
I was wrong.
I do respect you.
I do care and I am sorry and I'm going to make this up to you.
I promise.
I love you.
♥

:P

I really really hate life sometimes.
Beccause really? If someone needed your opinion, wouldn't you just give it to them?

It's funny...

how quickly something can be come unpleasant.

How some people can become mean.

How something becomes boring.

How something you love becomes something you hate.

How someone can stab you in the back when the day before you were friends.

It's funny...

But not that funny.

Ugh

People are terribly hard to work with.
I don't care what you say, they are,
They judge people, they pick favorites, they get mad over the littlest things, they're annoying sometimes, they're mean, they don't listen, they rub things in your face, they aways have to be better than you, and it just doesn't stop.
I'm not saying I'm perfect and that I don't do any of these things, because I'm sure I do.
But ohemgee it's just really frustrating.