One Of THOSE Nights

Obviously, I've bought The Cab's new cd. I love it.
Happy New Year I guess. Twenty oh nine, as Sister P would say.
Nothing has happened. Everything has happened.
I don't know what to say anymore. When I do know, I don't know how to say it.
I don't think I'm going to blog anymore.
Maybe this is a lie, maybe I'll go back to that hellhole tomorrow, and something amazing will happen and I'll have to blog about it.
The odds of this happening aren't good.
If I do decide to blog again, I have no idea what it will be about.
Maybe I'll make it private, so only certain people can view it.
I'm indecisive. I don't know.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once things are said, you can't take them back.
You can try, and maybe things will work out.
But they were still said. They were still out there.
Words kill. They hurt.
Even ones that you don't think will.
Words are two-faced. They have double meanings.
It all depends on how they're said.
I hate that this whole thing has happened.
You know what thing.
And I hate myself for not knowing what to do about it.
Or what to say, and when to say it.
About not knowing how to feel.
But I wanted to say thankyou to everyone who apologized.
Everyone who tried to fix it.
Everyone who knew what to try to do.
Everyone who knew what to say, whether it helped the situation and was said publicly, or whether it made someone feel better and was said privately.
I'm sorry too. It's late, I know. But I wasn't sure how to address things.
And I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow at school.
I know that I've missed some people like CRAZY.
And I know I'm going to need a solid hug from someone.
Because that might help.
But part of me doesn't want that.
Part of me doesn't want to go in tomorrow and go down the hallway and hug everyone I've missed insanely for the past two weeks.
Part of me doesn't want to hug or see or be near anyone, like I would on a normal day.
Part of me wants to go in tomorrow and just stay locked in the bathroom stall all homeroom and hide and cry.
Honestly, that's what might end up happening. Because it is really hard to not cry without closing your eyes or blinking fast like a spaz.
Part of me is scared as hell to go there tomorrow and see everyone. Because all I can think of is "Where Do We Go From Here?" from that musical Buffy episode.
That's all I can think of for more people than you'd think.
Because I'm not sure I'll know what to say to anyone. I feel like I'll freeze. I'll be stuck.
I'm a fucking mess.
I need help taking everything away, to keep it off my mind, and usually being with some people from school would stop that.
But now, I'm not sure what I need.
Because I'm insecure as hell.
I can't sleep at night. Even if I do, I'm always tired. No matter what.
I hate feeling cut off from people.
I have all the lights possible on in my room right now. It seems dark without it.
I can't stand it at home, but I don't want to go anywhere else either.
I hate thinking about things.
I don't want to be around people, or I feel like I don't anyways.
But maybe when I actually am, I'll feel better.
I hate some people.
But I love others.
I don't know whats going to happen tomorrow.
I don't know how I'm going to keep everything in.
Like crying. I don't know how I'm going to appear happy.
I don't know if I'll come back here.
But I don't know if I can. I'm not sure how I feel about blogging anymore.
That thing kind of ruined it, it feels heavy now.
I'm trying so hard not to feel any of this, because that's how I deal.
I ignore things, I try not to feel them.
I act like I don't care, when on the inside I'm really falling apart.
But its coming in, all of it. I'm not holding it out well enough.
I'm a shitty friend.
I'm jealous.
I'm bitchy.
I'm worried.
I'm lost.
I'm insecure.
I'm scared.
I don't know what to do.