Please, Don't Mind What I'm Trying To Say Because I'm, I'm Being Honest

Emily & yoga today.

Emily makes me think and yoga give me too much time to think about too much.

She says I have to use “I statements” and so I was thinking about that in yoga.

And I came up with way to much, in no order.

But here’s what some of it was.

I’m a mess.

I’m totally scatterbrained.

I can’t remember things.

If something happens I’ll have to think about it for a long time before addressing it.

I’ll worry about it indefinitely.

I’ll think “what if…” a lot, and that makes me worry even more.

If something happens and it’s my fault, I’ll feel absolutely terrible about it.

If something happens that’s not really my fault, I’ll find a way to look at it so that it is.

That’s a bad habit, like biting my nails, but I keep doing it.

I know it’s bad, and that people might take advantage of it, but I trust people too much.

I only really, really trust about 5 or 6 people.

I’d only tell anything to about 3 of them.

I only trust one of them more than anything.

I cry far too much.

I don’t like crying in front of people, at all.

I have cried in front of people that I wouldn’t have chosen to cry in front of.

There are 2 people I’d cry in front of anytime.

Sometimes I cry over things that people think are stupid.

I cry when I watch Rent.

But I don’t think that’s a stupid reason, no matter what anyone else says.

I hold things in.

But I’ll be honest with almost anyone, as long as they me to be.

It’s not that I lie to people.

It’s just if I don’t feel like taking about something, or I can’t talk about it I’ll brush it off.

But if someone asks me to be honest, I will be.

I don’t know how to say things some of the time.

I won’t know how to put what I’m feeling into words.

And sometimes I can’t, and that makes me really frustrated.

Especially when it makes someone else think that I don’t want to tell them.

Then I just feel bad, because of course that’s not true.

Hugs always make me feel better.

Hugs are best if the person you’re hugging is about the same size as you.

As in height, and they can’t be too thin or too heavy.

I like hugging tall people though, second best.

I don’t like being alone anymore.

I used to, but I like being with people better now.

That makes me feel incredibly silly and insecure and dependent.

I hatehatehate feeling that way.

But I do.

So I can’t stand being alone.

I feel better if I’m with someone who makes me happy.

I love these people.

Someone who, when I’m with them, it seems like everything bad goes away.

The littlest and silliest things make me happy.

Pinkie Pie?

Waffles?

Mercy Spice and Christian Holiano?

Popsicles? Especially raspberry?

They seem really silly, and people laugh.

(And call me a second grader.) =]

But these things make me smile, like a clever verse from one of my favorite songs.

I live off music.

Songs help me get through anything bad that happens.

I can have one line from one song stuck in my head that will repeat over and over, or a whole song that I’ve heard so many times it’s memorized, but either way, having something stuck in my head makes me feel stronger.

CDs are amazing.

Performances can be either fabulous or terrible.

They don’t sound the same as CDs.

Hearing something live is the absolute best though, because you can feel the bass from the song, and it’s so loud.

It goes right through you.

It seems like too much at first, but it’s really incredible.

I’m not sure how to finish this off, really, because this all seems so…unlike me.

But I was being totally honest through out the whole thing.

So, please, don’t mind what I’m trying to say, because I’m, I’m being honest.

Cartel-Honestly