One Of THOSE Nights

Obviously, I've bought The Cab's new cd. I love it.
Happy New Year I guess. Twenty oh nine, as Sister P would say.
Nothing has happened. Everything has happened.
I don't know what to say anymore. When I do know, I don't know how to say it.
I don't think I'm going to blog anymore.
Maybe this is a lie, maybe I'll go back to that hellhole tomorrow, and something amazing will happen and I'll have to blog about it.
The odds of this happening aren't good.
If I do decide to blog again, I have no idea what it will be about.
Maybe I'll make it private, so only certain people can view it.
I'm indecisive. I don't know.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once things are said, you can't take them back.
You can try, and maybe things will work out.
But they were still said. They were still out there.
Words kill. They hurt.
Even ones that you don't think will.
Words are two-faced. They have double meanings.
It all depends on how they're said.
I hate that this whole thing has happened.
You know what thing.
And I hate myself for not knowing what to do about it.
Or what to say, and when to say it.
About not knowing how to feel.
But I wanted to say thankyou to everyone who apologized.
Everyone who tried to fix it.
Everyone who knew what to try to do.
Everyone who knew what to say, whether it helped the situation and was said publicly, or whether it made someone feel better and was said privately.
I'm sorry too. It's late, I know. But I wasn't sure how to address things.
And I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow at school.
I know that I've missed some people like CRAZY.
And I know I'm going to need a solid hug from someone.
Because that might help.
But part of me doesn't want that.
Part of me doesn't want to go in tomorrow and go down the hallway and hug everyone I've missed insanely for the past two weeks.
Part of me doesn't want to hug or see or be near anyone, like I would on a normal day.
Part of me wants to go in tomorrow and just stay locked in the bathroom stall all homeroom and hide and cry.
Honestly, that's what might end up happening. Because it is really hard to not cry without closing your eyes or blinking fast like a spaz.
Part of me is scared as hell to go there tomorrow and see everyone. Because all I can think of is "Where Do We Go From Here?" from that musical Buffy episode.
That's all I can think of for more people than you'd think.
Because I'm not sure I'll know what to say to anyone. I feel like I'll freeze. I'll be stuck.
I'm a fucking mess.
I need help taking everything away, to keep it off my mind, and usually being with some people from school would stop that.
But now, I'm not sure what I need.
Because I'm insecure as hell.
I can't sleep at night. Even if I do, I'm always tired. No matter what.
I hate feeling cut off from people.
I have all the lights possible on in my room right now. It seems dark without it.
I can't stand it at home, but I don't want to go anywhere else either.
I hate thinking about things.
I don't want to be around people, or I feel like I don't anyways.
But maybe when I actually am, I'll feel better.
I hate some people.
But I love others.
I don't know whats going to happen tomorrow.
I don't know how I'm going to keep everything in.
Like crying. I don't know how I'm going to appear happy.
I don't know if I'll come back here.
But I don't know if I can. I'm not sure how I feel about blogging anymore.
That thing kind of ruined it, it feels heavy now.
I'm trying so hard not to feel any of this, because that's how I deal.
I ignore things, I try not to feel them.
I act like I don't care, when on the inside I'm really falling apart.
But its coming in, all of it. I'm not holding it out well enough.
I'm a shitty friend.
I'm jealous.
I'm bitchy.
I'm worried.
I'm lost.
I'm insecure.
I'm scared.
I don't know what to do.

Blah.

Nothing has happened.
School. Is. Terrible.
-I want to just say "KEEP IT POSITIVE, JAKE." Because. Well. You know.
-I've discovered most of the 6th and 7th graders are absolutely no fun at all. [Except for Sophie, and India, and Claire, because I love them.]
-Emily has tried to have me tell her what happens in New Moon.
-Macy keeps calling me and pretending to be someone else.
-Katay's hair looks really pretty when she wears it down.
I have no idea what else.
xxoo

Ughh

It is ridiculously cold out.
I hate school.
=\

Waiting For The Bus

It's cold.
I can see my breath.
I don't wanna go to school.

[ily]

303-62

Cheer up and dry your damp eyes, and tell me when it rains ♥

This song is SO GOOD. Lizzie showed it to me, and it's adorable.

Rainbow Veins - Owl City

Other than that...I hate school. So much, god you have no idea. The Spanish Project is terrible, Science Fair is horrid, and I'm ALWAYS tired.
[ily]

The Compromising of Integrity, Morality & Principles in Exchange for Money Tour

This concert is love. I need to go. I really want to go for my birthday, because the concert is about two weeks after it, but Mum says I probably can't. Which is really just horrible, because the bands that are going to be there are straight out AMAZING. The people preforming are:
All Time Low [Who, you're probably sick of hearing about, given the fact I talk about them all the time, but hey, they're amazing.]

The Maine [Who I don't talk about as much, but they're still really fabulous.]

Mayday Parade [Who are so fabbydabbydoo, I don't know where to start.]

And Every Avenue [Who's cd I am buying tonight.]

So, as I'm sure I proved to you, it's absolutely fierce, and amazing, and prettee fabulous.
School :P
xoxo

??

So this week has been a little bit...hectic. So I'm sahree I haven't posted as much.
But good news! Hayley's blog is up and running again, so make sure you check it out!
Anyway, it's time for school, so I have to go.
xxoo

Todayyyyyyyy

First day of school today. And It was amazing to see every one. We still act exactly the same. I have a stupid bottom locker! I am so asking Mrs V to change that. Amanda wants to change hers too. We got to meet out math teacher [who smiles all creepy], our english teacher [who I liked better than I thought I would], our history teacher [who cranked out her life story. Laura started laughing at me because at one point I just like slammed my head on my hand and and sighed really loud.] and our religion teacher [who could never replace sister P! No one could!].
Have to go back tomorrow.
xoxo

School....

The first day of school is tomorrow, and don't get me wrong, I miss you all TERRIBLY, but I don't wanna go back. No one does really. Everyone's away on AIM is a variety of 'last day of freedom' or 'ew. school tomorrow.' But I do miss everyone, especially SISTER P who is getting a hug from Abbey, Lizzie, and I tomorrow.
Still don't want to go.
xxxooo